Life is like that sometimes

Life is very strange. I had a blog for over two years, filled with poems, thoughts, dreams, gripes, and whatever else it is you find in a blog. I had made many blogging friends through my blog. But this year, I decided to delete it. Why? Because I felt like this is a year of change for me.

I can't explain why, it's just an odd feeling I have. And so far, my intuition has been right.

I recently got an answer to a question I had been asking for years - which was this: What has happened one of my ex boyfriends whom I adored. He was, I believe, my soul mate (of which I've had 3 in my lifetime) - but for reasons which I don't care to explain now, I broke things off with him.

Anyway, I tried to look him up and sadly, I found his obituary. This broke my heart... it was a horrible blow to my mental state. I couldn't believe it. He was the same age as me, in his thirties - so I kept wondering what happened.

I found the email of his best friend - whom I had met a few times many years ago. His friend was very kind and shared with me all of the things that led up to my ex lover's death.

Unfortunately, my old sweetheart had gotten married and was having problems that were bad enough that his marriage was about to end. So what did he do?

He ended it permanently. He jumped off of a bridge and killed himself.

I've gone over this in my mind a million times - desperately wishing I could have reached out to him somehow. I want so much to go back in time and BE THERE for him and show him that he did have people that loved him and would support him no matter what life throws at him.

But I was not given the chance to be there for him. When I broke up with him, I wanted so much to stay friends with him... but he did not feel that it was possible. We tried to get together as friends on a couple of occasions but we found that a plutonic relationship would be very difficult. In other words, we behaved in very non-Plutonic ways, if you catch my drift.

Several months after this breakup happend -I ended up getting married to someone else, (a man that I had previously been engaged to for several years) and this infuriated my ex to the point that he told me he would never speak to me again.... and sadly, he kept his word.

Over the years I longed for nothing more than to be able to talk to him. I needed to apologize to him for breaking his heart - a crime which I regretted to the extreme, and will probably always regret. For in fact, I too, know how it feels to be torn apart by someone you love.